I’ve been thinking a lot these past few days. Nothing specific, really. Just questioning everything I’ve been doing—the things I produce at work, the things I do when I’m out of the office, and the things I want to do that would matter to others, not only to myself.
I’ve been having fits of this metaphysical unease that I can’t seem to shake out of my system. This weekend was probably one of the most unproductive I’ve had so far because I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Work, both for freelance and for my full-time job, has been piling up and I feel like I lost my sense of urgency of all the impending deadlines.
I feel kind of lost and not lost at the same time—like I have an idea where I want to go, but I get confused sometimes and I feel like I’m not getting closer to where I’m supposed to go. I’ve tried talking this out with one of my closest friends, and I just couldn’t explain it in a way she would understand. Maybe talking about it, or at least writing it down, would put some sense into things.
I’ve been second-guessing and re-evaluating all the little details of every single thing I’ve been doing, thinking if I’ve made the right ones, constantly itching to do something in my life that would eventually add up to something relevant in the future. These past few days, I’ve been revisiting things I’ve started doing over the past couple of months—making bracelets, learning how to draw, taking photos again—including this digging up and posting something here on my tiny space on the internet. Lauren Hom wrote this post that I keep on rereading whenever this uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach decides to pay a visit. I guess I just feel like I wanted to start something of my own, like a personal project of some sort, but I couldn’t seem to find the right mix of the things I love to do, combine them into one, and call it my own.
Sometimes I feel like I have this habit of starting things up that I can’t commit myself to—from handmade wallets, to boho accessories, personal projects that I lose interest in because I feel like it won’t matter to anyone.
I realize as I write this now, that this is probably why I am in a stump right now—because I have to set my goals, and make a decision as to which among my interests I am going to pursue. I know I love design and things related to the arts, but it’s just too wide of a category that I still have to pick one I am going to cultivate and stick to in the long run. Anyone who knows me personally would know that I am the worst person to ask when it comes to making decisions. It just kind of sucks that this particular decision, I have to make on my own.
Deep, deep down I’m secretly wishing that this is all just PMS (HAHA), but I know this kind of thing doesn’t just pass, and I would probably just waste time I could use to get closer to my goals. And I can’t just settle for something that I know I’d eventually re-evaluate and second-guess in the future. Hopefully I’d arrive at some clarity in the next few days.